Mazel Tov, You’re Engaged! (Now What???)

Kiddies: If there will be kids at the hall while prep is happening, find someone who can entertain them. In some families, this is the time of communal Uncle Moishy showings… in other families, this is when Cousin Faigy comes at 2 p.m., rounds up all the kinderlach to a side room, feeds them, and has activities that are not messy or too active to do with them.

Food: Even if you’re fasting, not everyone else is. I’ve found trays of bagels and spreads to work well. For kids who are already dressed in their wedding finery, plain bagels are great because the crumbs just shake right off. Don’t bring sticky or messy foods. Bring food that can sit at room temperature for a couple of hours. And lots of water bottles! Also, about fasting: If you’re not a great faster and/or you’re taking any medication that needs to be taken with food, please ask a she’eilah to see if you should be fasting.

Saved you! Have one friend who can be the “saved you” person. Preferably someone with a car. That person should pack: shout stain removers, safety pins, needle and thread, band aids, etc. That person’s job is to answer the calls of “OMG, we left the baby’s bottle at home” and “Oh no, little sister’s skirt is still at the cleaners!” This person is the designated savior of the day. (Of course, this is only if the cleaners isn’t a plane ride away… though saviors have been known to open gemach doors an hour before pictures when a gown has suddenly split down the middle.)

Protectors: Let’s say there are sticky family dynamics and since this is Links… let’s put it out there. Say your mother passed away 15 years ago, your father’s been remarried for 9 years, and your mother’s family has barely been in contact since. Or say you have a married sister who feels so responsible for you, it can feel like hovering. Or say your father just passed away and your mother can’t be there for you emotionally as she processes the pain of making a wedding on her own. These are sticky situations and the worst thing you can do is pretend that come the wedding day, “it’ll all work out.” That’s usually a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings.

Instead, get real. And get help.

Is there an aunt whom everyone loves? Can you confide in her and ask her to be on hand and ensure that all parties feel good so the emotional burden doesn’t fall on you? Is there a really good friend of your mother’s who can be there for her? And do you have someone who can be there for you?

This is sometimes great to discuss and brainstorm with your kallah teacher — they often have great resources. I know of a situation where two aunts helped keep all grandparents smiling throughout the wedding and kept all conflict at bay so it wouldn’t spoil the kallah’s day. Feel free to speak to Donna about this and brainstorm with her too.

Do not take this all upon yourself. Get help and plan for a really joyful and special day.

Badeken/chuppah: Ahhhhh… so many technical issues arise when a parent isn’t there. Not just emotionally, but logistically too. Hopefully, you have a rav who can help you work through the nitty-gritties of your situation.

Many fathers and grandfathers will bentch the kallah during the badeken, and chassanim often get bentched before the chuppah. If you lost your father, you may want to plan ahead and see if you’d like someone else to give you the brachah.

In some families, the minhag is that only a married couple walks a chassan/kallah down. Others don’t have that minhag. In some, a couple in their second marriage doesn’t escort a chassan/kallah. In others, they do. Trust me, I’ve heard it all. Point is — have a rav mediate/pasken and help you out so it’s all done with respect and with shalom. Sometimes, someone would like a married sibling, other times, a set of grandparents, other times, various family members have ideas about who should be doing this… It’s so important to get guidance and keep the peace.

Dancing: As for dancing, decide beforehand who you’ll dance with first if the same gender parent has passed away.. Don’t leave this to play out on its own at the wedding! If possible, get someone who can “manage” the first dance, and make sure that person knows who the grandparents are, who the aunts are, who the people who are important to you are, and will get them into the circle to dance with you in the order you chose. (If you need help figuring this out, Donna has navigated this minefield many times and is available to help you map out the progression that feels right to you.)

Roll with the punches: With all the planning in the world, things can and do go wrong. Hopefully not too wrong. I got
married in a blizzard — like the type that they banned cars from the roads. Don’t ask how we got home (it started snowing during our chuppah)! The first task my husband had as a husband was figuring out how to shovel our doorway enough so we could reach the handle of that basement door. The next night, Chaveirim picked us up in a pickup truck to get to sheva brachos… It’s comical now, but we were both kinda stressed then. So yes, life happens. And it’s important to put it all in perspective. Which is something we Links Family members are pretty good at.
You really can and will be OK!