You can be doing “fine” and even make it through the seudos and then a song goes on during Chol Hamoed or a piece of matzah gets stuck in your tooth and you fall apart.
Expect this. It sounds silly but expecting this to happen makes it a whole lot less scary and unmanageable.
It will pass.
You will be OK.
Say this a hundred times if you need to. Your brother may think you’re overthinking things and your sister may be crying at every “remember when” and your cousin who never really was that close to the family is a total mess.
Grief is often rooted in the history of the relationship and the personality of the griever. Give space for you and your stuff and don’t judge someone else and their stuff.
Anger is a sign of an unmet need. Usually when people get mad over Yom Tov it’s because they have been ignoring a need.
Eat well. Sleep best you can. Plan and pack for whatever your needs are.
Extroverts: get out and see people you haven’t seen in forever. Introverts: build those quiet walks into your day. Get enough reading material, games, and comfort items so you can plan for success.
Make a Yom Tov friendly list of 5 things to do that will help you when the going gets rough
People will say dumb things. Usually out of ignorance, sometimes out of malice.
This is your full permission not to let anyone or anything ruin this for you.
Feel it. It hurts. That’s OK. Sometimes it’s worth talking about and sometimes it’s a waste of time and energy. Sit with it for a little bit and then do something awesome for yourself because nobody will rain on your parade.
The custom is not to go to the cemetery on Yom Tov, though many make the exception for kivrei tzadikim.
If your family wants to have something special at the meal or share stories or play a trivia game about the deceased or make a siyum or do nothing at all — that’s fine and good.
Yahrtzeits bring their own moods. It’s not fun on Yom Tov but expecting it is half the battle.
Be sure to check out our collection of Yizkor resources including a how-to guide.
Saying Yizkor provides an elevation for the soul. If due to a complicated relationship this is tough to do, it’s OK to wait it out. And it’s also OK if you feel better doing it anyway.
Be aware that saying Yizkor may leave you feeling a little raw or moody. You may want to let any non-Yizkor sayers you’re spending Yom Tov with what to expect and what you expect from them.
Be sure to check out our collection of resources on supporting grieving friends.
This is so individual. Think about what they love for birthdays or simchos and use that as your guide for the types of things they find helpful. Some quick suggestions:
