What Is Yahrtzeit, Anyway?

Common minhagim, what you can expect at the kever, and the meaning behind it all

What does yahrtzeit mean?

Yahrtzeit is a Yiddish word meaning yahr, year, tzeit, time.

Simple as that.

It’s the time of year to reflect on the relationship between you and your parent who’s no longer alive.

It’s a day to slow down, to remember your parent — their uniqueness, their accomplishments, their gifts and talents — and to think about how their efforts can continue through you and how you can learn from their maalos and emulate them.

What happens to the neshamah on the yahrtzeit?

Every year, on the day of passing, the neshamah has the potential to reach a higher level in Shamayim.

This is what the phrase, “The neshamah should have an aliyah,” is referring to.

Every mitzvah we do — every day, but especially on the yahrtzeit — is a zechus for our parent and helps their neshamah rise to a higher level.

How can I make my parent’s yahrtzeit special?

This day is like a Rosh Hashanah for the niftar, so we want to give them as many zechusim as possible. Throughout the 24 hours of the yahrtzeit, we try to do mitzvos to help the neshamah with the aliyah that occurs on this day.

Each family member lights a yahrtzeit candle that should remain lit for the entire day and night.

As you light, you should say, “I’m lighting this candle that it should be l’iluy nishmas [niftar’s Hebrew name] ben/bas [niftar’s father’s Hebrew name].”

It’s a minhag to give tzedakah and say Tehillim. Here’s a list of some of the perakim that are especially good to say on the day of the yahrtzeit:

קל,טז, יז, לג, עב, צא ,קד

Some also say the pesukim from קיט that begin with the letters of the niftar’s name, and the word נשמה.

Many people make a seudah on the yahrtzeit. Some people make a siyum mishnayos at the seudah, as an aliyah for the neshamah. The Steipler Gaon said that girls may learn Pirkei Avos instead of mishnayos.

What happens at the kever?

Many visit the kever on the day of the yahrtzeit. (Some do so within three days of the yahrtzeit.)

Before entering the beis hachaim, many say the brachah “Mechayeh Hameisim.” (There’s often a large sign with this brachah hanging at the entrance of the beis hachaim.) This brachah means we believe that death is not the end of life — it’s the beginning.

Seeing the kever and reading the inscription on the matzeivah can be very painful. Allow yourself to feel. Give yourself a few moments of introspection, of just being with yourself and your loss.

When davening at the kever, it’s important to remember to daven directly to Hashem to intercede on our behalf in the merit of the neshamah of our parent. Our parent becomes our shaliach, and in this way, they can continue to take care of us. We can address our parent directly and ask them to please daven to Hashem for help with whatever it is we need.

If there’s a minyan, Kaddish will be recited. Everyone should answer Amein. Some men say קל מלא רחמים at the kever.

We put a stone on the kever as a tangible reminder we were there.

A yahrtzeit is a day of mixed feelings.

On one hand, we’re told it’s a time when the neshamah has a greater aliyah, rising to higher levels in Shamayim.

On the other hand, it’s a day that emphasizes the loss your family has experienced.

It can be a challenge to recognize both pieces — to carry both the sadness and longing for your parent, as well as a deeper understanding of the day and its purpose.

Like grief, yahrtzeit is an individual experience — it’s not the same for everyone, and that’s OK. Know that all feelings are normal.

If you never knew the parent you lost, that might make it an extra confusing day. If there’s been a remarriage, it can be tricky to navigate all these feelings as a family. And if there was a difficult relationship with the niftar, it might be a difficult day with a complex mix of emotions.

Keep in mind that emotionally, you may not be in a place to feel connected to your parent or to face the yahrtzeit head on. That’s normal and it’s OK. Recognize that while the yahrtzeit is the day that marks your parent’s passing, the connection to your parent is something that remains every single day.

Compiled from articles written for Links Family by Malkie Klaristenfeld, Director of Volunteers PCHAI of Chai Lifeline, and Miriam Ribiat, Chevrah Lomdei Mishnah.